Knitted Back Together

Half Term Crafting

Well hello lovely ladies and gentlemen of Blogland - it's nice to see you again. I've been away much longer than I intended.

It took four days of intense crafting to get the secret project into something that could be given as a gift - an hour before the party started! My fingers were sore, my back bent and my eyes crossed. The gift was held together with wonderweb and had a (smallish) key ingredient missing, but it was good enough. Dominic was thrilled. I was thrilled. Everyone was thrilled. It was all good. I shall post pictures tomorrow, if it's sunny. We've not had much sun, although this afternoon was nice. Fingers crossed.

I did not want to post pictures here until it was finished properly but, hoorah, I put the last tiny handstitch in yesterday! There was a good few days of behind-the-scenes hand sewing left to be done, but thankfully it is now complete.

I got a blog block. I feel a bit silly now I've just properly got on and JFDI, but there it is! I did not want to post until I could do my 'Taa-daa' post, and it took much longer to complete than I expected. I have also had six orders to make for Mrs Bee (three hats, one newborn hammock, one bookmark and one beehive sponsorship). I've also had a bit of an ME flare up which took a couple of days out of the equation whilst I slept / lazed around feeling sorry for myself.

Bedsides all this, it's half term. We've been quite lazy (again!) despite good intentions, but everyone is so tired at the end of each school term that it seems foolish to run headlong into big chores. So, we've been a bit lazy, eaten out a lot, seen friends, done some crafting.

Charlie made a stained glass 'window' and did a very good job of it indeed! He meticulously painted every bit (it was painting by numbers, but he didn't stick to that!) I helped a little too. I have put it away carefully and will frame it as a birthday present for my Mum.

Today we went pottery painting! We go to a cool place near York called Langlands which has the most delicious restaurant, and some pretty lovely things to look at. We had hot chilli chicken wraps with homemade chips and they were deee-licious.  We love going to 'Pottery Painting with Claire' (no, not me!) and this is one of our regular holiday activities. It's well worth a trip out if you're local.

This was Dominic's mug, he was very proud of it:

 

 

He has been spending a lot of time spinning honey this week, so the bee mug was very apt. He has reserved it for garden tea.

I had in mind a hand painted striped affair - wobbly, uneven lines, but thin, in shades of blue, white and pink. Oh fate, how you laughed at me:

 

Each time I got somewhere near what I wanted, the table wobbled, my arm got knocked or I just plain buggered it up. When it's fired these powder tones will become ultra bright. Even so, it looks a bit, urm, special, doesn't it? I have said I shall reserve mine for those times we have no guests. My fugly mug will be banished to the back of the cupboard at moments of celebration and sharing. Pottery painting fail.

Charlie looks rather pleased with his robot 'piggy' bank, doesn't he?!

 

He did a good job, but whizzed through the painting and had to be encouraged to go back and add more coats and touch up the white bits. He had a veeery long wait whilst Dom and I got stuck in and pretended we were there for Charlie's sake. Ahem.

I'll collect them in a week or so. I'll take some photos then and show you how they came out. Even though I wasn't overly thrilled with my efforts today, we had a lovely family afternoon, which is what counts I think.

Hope to see you again soon

Claire x

Sale number one! Get iiiiiin!

Hooray <does happy dance>

I just wanted to share with you a sketch book I made for the lovely Laura. She wanted me to make something in my bunting theme:

 
So I had a good old think, and spent a few hours in the lady shed messing around with fabrics and embroidery. I came up with this:

front

 
back

side

inside cover

Do you like it? I absolutely loved doing it. It was a steaming hot summer's afternoon and I was having fun messing around with fabric. Thank you, Laura. If you'd like one, you can find them in my Folksy shop, button top right.  

On a different note, I just wanted to check you were OK. I don't know what's in the air at the moment, but a lot of friends have been in touch to say they're not doing so well. Depression seems to be rife, as well as general poorliness. I wanted to send you a hug and ask you to take care of yourself. Promise, yes?

I've just started a knitting project, for me, with pure cashmere. It's bright orange! It's such a delight, both in terms of feel and colour. I'll share that with you next time.

Lots of love!

Claire x

Project 3 Taa-daa : Pottery Class

You know what? I don't enjoy my pottery class on a Friday morning anywhere near as much as I thought I would. I had dreamed of pottery for ages, but I haaate the tutor, he's really crap. He expects you to get on with your own thing, and will then come over (sometimes weeks after you started, having watched you get on week after week) and say "you've done that wrong."

It's no surprise I don't enjoy it really, is it?

Anyway, here is my offering. The idea of the roses was to put them on wire in the kitchen window, like a cross between a net curtain and a mobile. I will take a photo if I ever get this done.

I like the glaze on the bowl; it was the best of a bad bunch. Unless it's pottery with those 1970s brown spots then, frankly, Mr Teacher 1) thinks you are an arse and 2) won't allow you to do it.

Satisfaction Rating: 1/10. Crafting should not be combative.

Quick Catch Up

November at The Cottage

Good evening ladies and gentlemen of Blogland. How are you doing? I hope you are well, relaxed and looking forward to Christmas.

So much has happened here in the last week, I really am caught up in a whirl of Christmas preparations. My knitting list feels as long as my arm and I am starting to feel the pressure to get the projects finished. I have completed the Christmas shopping, deep cleaned the house (downstairs, anyway), caught up on Mount Laundry, looked after Jonny when he was poorly, put up the Christmas decorations, been for another drive around Sunk Island, been to pottery - my word, the list seems endless.

It's not been a bad time, really, with a few exceptions. Dom had serious chest pains on the way home from work tonight, so went straight to the doctors - I know it must have been bad for him to do this as he NEVER goes to the doctor unless he's dying. However, all is well and the doc thinks it is a panic attack. That worries me just as much to be honest - he's working 60 hours per week at the moment, although he seems in bouyant spirit. He's happy to carry on as normal, but I really worry about him. And I worry that my illness is putting additional strain onto him too.

On Friday we had rabbot stew for dinner, and it was divine. I have never eaten or cooked rabbit before, but I certainly would again. It was very similar to chicken, but much cheaper. I slow cooked it with carrots, onions, mushrooms and parsnips and made gravy from the pan I browned the rabbit in, stock and flour. Washed down with lashings of home brewed beer. It was oh-so-yum.

The Christmas tree is up, which caused great excitement in Charlie, and typical teenage nonchalance in Jonny. I am a bit miffed because I let Charlie have complete creative free reign and it looks much, much better than my co-ordinated attempts in years gone by. Harumph.

Anyway, it's late and I have stayed up to knit Elijah the elephant as a Christmas present for Charlie. Isn't he a darling? I'm knitting him in the softest bamboo yarn, but it's really splitty and hard to work, so mine is not so good and looks much more like the elephant man. Ho hum.

Oh, and my £300 Ebay target is looking a bit shaky - I have 12 parcels to send out tomorrow and we've made £70. Grump.

Lots of love from East Yorkshire. Tuck yourselves in all lovely and warm.

Claire x

PS - this is a watercolour I've been working on recently. It's not perfect, there's a lot I'd change if I did it again, but what do you think?

Good Days

Hello lovelies. I hope all is well with you, and you are managing to keep a smile. I have had a BONZER couple of days!

Yesterday started off badly, I felt really low. But, I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon so I struggled in, hair untidy and no make up, feeling pretty glum. Then I had such a lovely chat with my GP - I absolutely love her to bits. I have no idea why I always get so nervous when I go to see her. We chatted - her son started school last week, so we compared notes. She told me she was bought up in our house virtually opposite ours. We talked about expectations of life - I told her that I had lost my job and Charlie had started school in the last couple of weeks, and both had made me feel very emotional. But that I could see I needed time to reflect, unwind and think about what was important to me. A year ago I ran my own business and had a part time professional job, now I was unemployed. She declared that I seemed brighter than before, and decided not to make any changes to my medication. I have to go back in 4 weeks rather than 2.

I don't know what it was about her validation that made me feel so good, but it worked. I explained, nervously, that I wasn't back to my old self and she said, quite shocked "goodness me, I wouldn't expect it" and that made me feel good too. Knowing that I am doing well, for this stage, was a nice reassuring feeling.

To break up the l-o-n-g text (sorry, I can waffle), I thought I would share some pics I took of the flowers Charlie and I bought in our local town - £2 for two huge bunches of dahlias. And, oh, they're so pretty. I often buy flowers as they bring me so much joy and make my little cottage look a treat. However, I was inspired by Lucy at Attic 24 to try putting flowers all over the house - and what a joy that has been! They have made an appearance in the lounge, the kitchen, the dining room, the downstairs loo and our bedroom. I thought I would share their cheerfulness with you. Thanks Lucy. They look so much better in little jam jars and mustard pots (recycled, obv)

So, to today! I went to my first ceramics class! AND I WORE MAKE-UP! I haven't been out on my own like this for about 10 weeks, let alone looked half decent. I was very nervous, but I had a good time. I am completely knackered now though! I made something that resembled a bowl, although I don't have any pictures yet. It's inlaid stoneware don'tcha know! It uses a technique where a pattern is scratched into the wet clay, and then painted with slip (coloured, watery clay) that looks something like this (please note, mine won't, this is just one I found online!)

I developed a heart and spots pattern which I liked. The humble, wonky pot is waiting for me to return next week, when I will scratch back the slip and add more layers, apparently. I'll remember to take my camera next week.

After this, I went into Hull - something I haven't done for months. I had a good walk around in the sunshine which was lovely. I eventually went to the Job Centre, something I was dreading, but it was OK and the two people that interviewed me were lovely. There wasn't anything suitable, but I am being sent on a course for executives and professionals (ooh get me!) All I will get is my national insurance stamps paid, but I figured I may as well as I have worked since I was 13 (22 years! Don't I sound old!)

This weekend I intend to knit a pair of socks. We will undoutedly visit the inlaws, and pick gorgeous apples from their laden tree. It's the local open studio scheme, so I hope we can pop out and have a look at some other local artists. I also want to take Jonny pottery painting tomorrow - he has to do a school presentation on Art Deco and I persuaded him to produce something in the style of Clarice Cliff. We are both so excited.

I hope your weekends are restful, happy and fun. Lots of love xxxxx

Some reasons to feel proud

My lovely kitchen knick-knacks that cheer me up every day.

Hello my lovelies, how are you all doing?  I hope you didn't miss me too much over the past six days. I have been thinking of you all, and hoping that you're finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

It was one heck of a week for me, my feelings were flying round like a cloud of gnats, and I wanted a bit of time to reflect and get my head together. Thank you so much to those of you who emailed to say that you didn't think the blog was showing off, the encouragement really helped.

So... last week was a week of big changes. For some reason, at the moment, I am not very good at change. The first weekend back after the start of the school term was tough for me, as I think I said before, because I slipped straight back into 'Mum' and, for the first time since the start of the summer holidays, I didn't make any allowances for the illness. That was a mistake and I started the week feeling somewhat overwrought.

Monday and Tuesday I had Charlie at home with me full time - it sounds like nothing, but I have not looked after him from 6am to 7pm on my own for a long time. He was full of beans because he was excited about starting school, prone to emotional outbursts and, if I admit it, a bit naughty because he, too, was overwrought. I was depressed and needing peace and quiet! Not a great combination, you'll have to admit.

Monday we went out to a few shops - Asda, McDonalds, we took some old clothes to the charity shop and by the time I got home and did the housework (why?!) I had done too much. Tuesday I could barely get off the sofa, and felt horribly, awfully guilty for squandering Charlie's last day at home with me. I spent a lot of the time in tears, including the evening when I cried in bed. Dom was shocked and worried, but wonderfully patient.

Wednesday was the big day. Charlie was so excited I thought he would burst. I was really anxious about taking him to this new institution, nervous about what to do and where to go, worried on his behalf, sad that he was leaving the nest, excited for myself and my new freedom - a whole muddle of feelings. Anyway, suffice to say he was fine, in fact he's had a lovely time. And I have quickly got used to my new routine. Shall I share a picture? He is a very good Reason To Be Proud this week.

Isn't he just adorable? That's Billy with him, his teddy bear that has gone pretty much everywhere from birth. Of course Billy needed his hand holding as he was nervous about starting school, and the teachers made every effort to welcome Billy to the classroom and even let him come in and listen to the lessons. Charlie was very glad he was there, I think.

I have been trying to gain inspiration from my little man - he's taking on the world because he's not worrying about too much at once. I could do the same. Good enough is good enough, nothing has to be perfect. So I thought I would share with you some of the things bringing me happiness at the moment, if not because it balances the days when I am having to run through in my head the list of reasons I should not want to die.

You may wonder why I seem to gravitate toward the homemade/craft blogs. As well as being something that I love doing, and just.... well, I can't express it easily... feels right and as though it will help me get better, I am in awe of those wonderful women, so full of character life and creativity. I need their warm domesticity, I guess I need to be mothered myself. And I also want to me that sort of mother.

So, here are some things I have been proud of doing this week.

Look - cables and shaping! I mastered short rows! Yeee-haw! I'll ignore the fact that I have been knitting this jumper since May, that this part literally took weeks and, when I sewed the whole thing up the gauge was wrong and the jumper made me look like Barbapapa. Who cares, when you've made something curved, with cables?! <does happy dance> I am making it into something funky, so watch this space....

I invented a recipe! These are lemon and honey flapjacks and, believe me, they are divine. I will post the recipe tomorrow. Made from honey from our very own bees! sadly, the lemons were from Tesco (wouldn't it be lovely to be able to grow those too?)

My fantastic pumpkin patch. We now have pumpkins, squashes, marrows and still the odd courgette. More home-grown vegetable pictures tomorrow, but it feels me with such a thrill to produce food through love and nurture.

I'm going to come out of this depression one day, aren't I? One day I won't have to run through my lists of why I should be alive, or convince myself I won't attempt suicide today. One day, I won't feel stoned on my meds, or spend the day in a fluffy coma on the sofa. One day, I will be able to answer the phone and make calls without blinking an eyelid. One day I will again wear make up, get my hair cut, have a job (career, maybe), smile and not feel as though I am deceving people.

One day soon .... xxxx

The Brave New World

A much appreciated visitor to my garden this morning.

Well hello, friends. How are you all doing? I hope you are as happy as can be expected and the demons are not on your shoulders. It's a lovely sunny day this morning in East Yorkshire, really beautiful. There is a slight chill in the air; it's starting to feel quite autumnal.

And guess what? Dom has gone back to work. I feel like someone who has just left hospital and doesn't know how she will survive. These are my first faltering steps into my new life, without my lifeline. It's exciting and very, very scary.

From now on, I have to function at a different level. I have to make meals, get the kids to and from school, dressed in the appropriate uniform and equipped for school. I have to keep the house clean and tidy. Do shopping. Live life. My coccoon has gone.

Today I am sacking my cleaner. Weirdly, this feels like a really positive thing. I hate the intrusion of having someone in my house one morning a week, even though she's doing a job that I would prefer not to do. I feel quite bad because my cleaner is lovely, but I really have the urge to stay on top of our own space and actually contribute something to the family now that I am not a businesswoman and school leader.

In this vein, I joined Flylady. I did this before a couple of years ago and it was really successful. I love the idea that just babysteps will have an impact on the bigger picture. It's really helpful to my current situation with the depression. What I am trying to do is think 'I'll just load the dishwasher then I can do some knitting' then, an hour later 'I'll go and sort out the kids toys.' This means I get more done without being overwhelmed and have had a couple of good days this way.

In other big news, I have signed up and paid for a 6 month ceramics course! I can't wait! I may also start AS Textiles, if there is a space for me. That's all day Wednesday. I really am very excited and optimistic about taking time to do some creative things, and give myself some breathing space to heal and work out what I can do with the rest of my life. In a lot of ways I really hope I am not offered any sort of contract from work, as I am excited about the direction my life may take.

Do you mind me putting mundane aims down in here? It would be helpful for me, I believe. It's the day-to-day things I am struggling with the most (probably because I have to do them most often! lol)

My aims for today are:

1. To wash the bedding and remake the beds with clean linen
2. To load and unload the dishwasher
3. To plan meals for the week
4. To do an hour of ironing
5. To phone (eek!) about the AS Textiles course (will be very, very chuffed if I do this)
6. To complete the sleeve of Charlie's cardigan.

I am feeling overwhelmed and the knot is back in my chest. But I feel positive and hopeful too. I hope you can find the light in the shadows today. Much love xx

A Change of Tone

The new shelves in my kitchen, displaying my bunting tea set, and other knick-knacks I have collected. I can't stop looking at them!

Today I made up my mind that I was going to be positive. And, do you know what? I have felt much better. Maybe it's a co-incidence, maybe the extra fluoxetine is helping, or maybe there has been an element of psychosomaticness (is that a word?)/ negative thinking. Anyway, I thought I would share.

I was woken early by Charlie, and we got up together and shared a lovely hour drinking tea, eating breakfast and watching children's television. I really love those quiet, intimate shared times when we are both tired and need not even speak. A lazy arm around each other on the sofa is just enough.

I went back to bed for a cuddle with Dom and Charlie, then we left to pick Jonathan up from football. He was tired from the sleepover but in a good mood. We decided to go out for lunch, and had a lovely drive through the countryside and watched different farmers harvesting their crops. The difference in colour and texture of the local landscape at this time of year is really inspiring. Some fields are golden-grey with ripe corn, others have been roughly ploughed and are a deep reddy brown. There are also those that have been finely tilled, with all sorts of different striped patterns that vary from field to field. Round and rectangular bundles of hay litter other fields, and yet more have stubbly 6 inch straw sticking out from them, where they have been harvested but not yet ploughed. I absolutely love living amongst all this agricultural drama. I must get out and take some photos tomorrow.

Lunch was fab - chicken kiev, home made chips and chocolate ice cream. Back home, we all watched the Hull City v Chelsea match, which caused controversy (Dom and I support our local team, Jonny is an ardent Chelsea supporter). However it was good natured and fun to do something together that Jonny really enjoyed - engaging a 12 year old boy can be a challenge.

I have spent this afternoon tidying the office and getting rid of the last reminders of Generation One. A couple of weeks ago even attempting anything like this made me cry. Now I feel cleaner and lighter for letting it all go. I am Ebaying/ Freecycling / Recycling as much as possible; it's really important to me not to be wasteful.

Charlie and I visited the local park whilst Dom had a snooze, and Charlie was thrilled that two of our cats, T.C. and Bramble, decided to join us. They loved miaowing and getting some fuss, and Charlie thought it was just hilarious. He had a good time playing on the equipment with a couple of older boys, and I sat in the sunshine and peeled bark from a stick - something I haven't done in years and years. I had forgotten just how gratifying it can be.

Today may have been an island in the storm, but it has been lovely and much appreciated. I have some pictures to share with you too, as I managed to charge my camera battery yesterday, something I haven't been able to force myself to do for a fortnight. It sounds like madness to write it down, but that's depression for you. Isn't it bizarre?

Oh, and I have bright red hair. It seemed like the best way to mark the changes. It's Ronald McDonald red and I absolutely bloody love it. I do have a ginger scalp, but I am hoping that will fade.....

This plate was a wedding present of my Nan's, and the embroidered tray cloth was made by Dom's Grandma. It gives me goose bumps that these two items look so great together on the sideboard in my dining room even though they were owned by women who never met from different parts of the country. They are our roots.

Lovely flowers and family phoots on the same sideboard. Again, they make me smile.

Cozy blankets and dark days

The thing with a blog about depression is the worry that for everyone else reading it, it's going to be rather, erm, depressing. This fear has prevented me from posting too much over the past week.

It's been an up-and-down sort of time. There have been good days, baked cakes, delicious roast dinners, home-made blackberry ice-cream made from brambles in our garden, two days out to the beach, feeding monkey nuts to the squirrels, hours and hours on my lovely, lovely afghan with which I am in mad, mad love, a boat trip, a day out to the farm in which I held day old chicks and made friends with an old farm cat with one ear, who snuggled into my lap like he'd always been there and promptly fell asleep - and of course, my lovely, lovely boys with whom I am so lucky to spend my life.

There have, however, been lots of dark days. That hollow, haunting fear, the anger with myself, the complete frustration with the world, lots of tears, the lack of sleep, the depressive ruminations and the people that I feel let down by, over which I have lost far too many tears. I can't get perspective on this yet, but I can tell myself that sometimes a good spring clean of one's life is necessary and helpful. I am usually an upbeat, positive, optimistic person, so I guess that when I have my down days they are going to be bad - just because we experience ups and downs equally. At least deep depths mean high highs, I guess. The worst thing for me is not lows, but would be experiencing a sort of bland, magnolia sort of life. 

I have a doctors appointment on Thursday because something needs to change. I don't know whether my medication needs altering, or whether I need to stump up for private CBT, or have my coil removed (the GP suggested that the progesterone it releases might be making the depression worse, but I really don't want this to be the case as it's so convenient.) In addition to the depression I am experiencing a lot of post-shingles pain, and it's quite excruiating at times. The thing that helps the most is Solpedeine Max as usual painkillers don't seem to touch it. These have the effect of making me feel all warm and snoozy, which is lovely. So I am trapped in a depressed, but ultimately comfortable, place and whilst I desparately want to leave it, I am also afraid to walk in to the sunshine. Any sort of rebirth metaphor would be appropriate here.

What really frightens me - and deep down what I think I need - is to be signed off work. I have no idea how it would work, it would be most incovenient for everyone involved and I am sure that my reputation would be damaged in a very public way. I went in for a day last week and it was much, much tougher than I thought it would be, and the pressure isn't on at all yet. I feel as though I am starting to get better; that the wound is covered by papery-thin new skin. But it still hurts and feels very raw, and it would be wrong to assume I am completely healed. Deep down I am sure that it's going to take a long time to get better, but I can't shake the guilt that I am lazy, taking advantage of people and not committed.

My camera battery needs charging (no metaphor this time!), so I don't have the usual raft of pictures for you. I will try to get it charged (once it has been located) and update later tonight. However, I have been overwhelmed by the desire to sit and make blankets. I have made two in the last week - and bloody big buggers they are too. One was done in a day using size 20 needles and used up a whole heap of old yarn that I'd had for a long time and wasn't sure what to do with. It looks fab, and is really squishy. The kids and cats love it. I enjoyed being lazy and watching 'Dirty Harry' whilst it was being completed, but the combination of the big needles and heavy fabric gave me chronic RSI in my hands (oo-er)

The second blanket is the afghan - it now has 12 large squares and 11 rows of edging. I haven't measured it, but it's at least single bed size. I am in mad, mad love with it. I can't say much more to convey my affection but, as with all love affairs, every time I make a change, add a square or a new colour I initially think it has been ruined, only to find it has been enhanced beyond my wildest dreams. I don't care if other people don't like it, it really is like a third baby to me at this moment in time.

I haven't done much else in the way of crafting, despite putting the hours in, because those are such big projects in their own right. However, we did get up the shelves in the kitchen to display my lovely ceramic nick-nacks and it looks amazing. It really shows off the bunting tea set well.

Will get those pictures up, and update with some of the other projects I have done this year in the meantime. Thanks for sticking with me - especially through the depressive bits, and thank you for all the lovely comments, I am so touched by them all. Bloggers rock x

Project 15: Dotty Bird Coasters

Did I mention we're having a new kitchen?! Well, it's far from finished yet. Poor old Dom has just completed the fourth coat of caulking on the wood panelling, and he's made the funky white leather chairs for our breakfast bar, but otherwise progress is slow. I thought I would cheer myself up with some coasters, inspired by Emma Bridgwater, that I completed again at Langlands. They took an hour or so, but I enjoyed myself painting them and they make me smile just hanging around the place. I especially like the texture on the bird tile, and will try to replicate this in future.